Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the water on mars tastes like alien piss

   Enough with the pro-Xmas vs con-Xmas: IT IS FESTIVUS!

   :E (Guy who doesn't know how to twirl spaghetti).

   There are 3 types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   Was born at night but not last night!

   I fractured my @ss today doing a cannonball into the bathtub today...

   Pepper spray comes in different strenths, for women who are only semi serious about getting raped.

   We love Lesbians!!! We love Lesbians!!! ~ Jerry Springer Audience

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

   Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk, then I remember all those times I kicked my girlfriend's cat while she wasn't looking and I take back the wish.

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   To all the big a$$ fancy truck owners, have you ever notice how much you can save but just staying at home?!

   when life gives me lemons, I forget about them in the crisper until they rot. Same thing with apples, really. Nothing special about you, lemons.

   By the super powers vested in me... I can now pronounce you deleted on fb and blocked if I want to.

   Thirsty Thursday and Cinco de Mayo fall on the same day, coincidence? She thinks not