Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh... you were saying 'good boy' to the dog? Guess I'll just put these back on. Awkward.

   why do elephants have four feet? Because six and a half inches just ain't long enough

   Does anybody even really care about the Beetles?

   Jesus: The Truth and Way...Cheeses: The Curds and Whey.

   "Cum with me if you want to Liv" ~ Arnold Schwazenegger having sex with Steven Tyler's daughter

   Its national dogs day, weird its also the day they were allowed to start voting

   "Welcome to Costco, I love you."

   the water on mars tastes like alien piss

   Enough with the pro-Xmas vs con-Xmas: IT IS FESTIVUS!

   :E (Guy who doesn't know how to twirl spaghetti).

   There are 3 types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   Was born at night but not last night!

   I fractured my @ss today doing a cannonball into the bathtub today...

   Pepper spray comes in different strenths, for women who are only semi serious about getting raped.

   We love Lesbians!!! We love Lesbians!!! ~ Jerry Springer Audience

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.