Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims.

   The Cheers theme plays as I walk into McDonald's and have a mild heart attack against a trash can.

   Muhammad Ali did not kill that gorilla's toddler just so you can make jokes on Facebook

   .... When I die I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep ..... Not screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving.

   Work hard for your bread Work smart for the wine and women

   I'm going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   I'm a s confused as an Octopus taking a Rorschach test

   Adam silver just passed Lebron James and Kevin Durant in the MVP race

   “GM’s alive and bin Laden’s dead” Wait a minute……

   If my car gets stolen, can my wife be in it? Asking for a break.

   If you lived in Mountain View CA you wouldn't need the internet you can just stop by Google and ask them questions in person.

   that all you got? Come on Mother Nature, put your big girl panties on!!

   Dude if she was my girlfriends I would probably be drunk all the time too.

   I love my new wood heater. Women actually want to take their clothes off for a change

   The question about why something is news, needs to go away. Its a ridiculous and useless question.

   Bong Bowl is on! Just don't drink the water

   We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast....usally while lying in bed.

   beer I'm fine...wine I'm blind!

   Charlie Sheen and Justin Bieber BFF'S