Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adam silver just passed Lebron James and Kevin Durant in the MVP race

   “GM’s alive and bin Laden’s dead” Wait a minute……

   If my car gets stolen, can my wife be in it? Asking for a break.

   If you lived in Mountain View CA you wouldn't need the internet you can just stop by Google and ask them questions in person.

   that all you got? Come on Mother Nature, put your big girl panties on!!

   Dude if she was my girlfriends I would probably be drunk all the time too.

   I love my new wood heater. Women actually want to take their clothes off for a change

   The question about why something is news, needs to go away. Its a ridiculous and useless question.

   Bong Bowl is on! Just don't drink the water

   We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast....usally while lying in bed.

   beer I'm fine...wine I'm blind!

   Charlie Sheen and Justin Bieber BFF'S

   Nothing like choking someone with love to make them run away from you.

   Depression usually creeps in at the end of the football season, but this year I'll keep myself happy by viewing the highlights of Peyton Manning expressions!

   NO your not!

   To be fair, your friends never thought you were funny. Maybe They just figured out where you got your material. How bout you contribute some one liners for the rest of us.

   Anyone up for a Zombie FlashMob around Halloween time? Start with"Thriller" dance then if public doesn't like...flip the switch it becomes a Zombie Invasion

   it normal to vomit every time you imagine having sex with someone? Asking for myself.

   Taking a deep breath and counting to ten helps me not do that, if you're wondering.. that's the same thing meatloaf won't do. . .