Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is what will happen if you look like me............(SMACK)

   I hope whilst they are recalling all these BMW's for faulty brakes, they fix their indicators cause I havnt found a BMW working indicator when i'm on the road B***std's

   how come Cheryl Cole is still using Ashley Coles last nite ,,,,what wrong with tweedy?

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   sometimes picture you drowning then they laugh so hard then the people they hang out with thinks they're crazy

   if you're tired of waiting...just count 1 to 100...if it's still not there, count 1 to 200... if it's still not there, just count 1 to 10... if still nothing happens, then accept the fact that it's not meant for you..

   whatever I want too!!

   Golfer oosthuizen has won the British Open. In his honor, his name will be used in the last round of the next National Spelling Bee.

   has mistakenly used Axe Freeze in place of body wash and now everything is tingling!!

   a Jerkwagon... sorry folks, it's true.......

   Why does a pumpkin smile after being torn out its entrail ..

   it in the Job Description for Bomb Maker you have to be a medical student ?

   It rained today. I know this because I checked a few of the local outdoor web cams

   Ahhh,,, Confucius say...I know I had it in my hand a minute ago.

   I will accept this award for Shikira tonight because she was busted by the TSA for trying to smuggle her own ass into the country

   Just drove past a hitchhiker I wish he had a better sign....

   10 minutes or it's free guarantees are not always a good thing. Take ball pube trimming for example...

   *at the cat shelter* Yes hi, where are the shopping carts?

   Vet who had sex with dogs and horses loses license, becomes just regular guy who had sex with dogs and horses.

   Facebook has been down today. Has anyone asked if it's ok hun?