Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is National Cheese Day! So let us each take a moment and pray for all the hapless imbeciles in the world who foolishly ask "Would you like that with Cheese?"

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"

   Wonder which one of the Looney Toons is going to bang LeBrons mom on Space Jam 2?

   911: "How can I help you?" Me: "This thong is wedged so far up my ass that I..." 911: click

   I bet if I flashed my hand grenade this guy would let me merge

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   Since the Jonas brothers break up.. they've come to an agreement to see each other during the holidays. . .

   am I the only one worried about the the fact that the amount of people that are taking craps in water. THIS CAN'T BE HEALTHY PEOPLE!!!!!!!

   Drinking Red Bull cured me, Conclusion; my cells allowed bacteria and viruses inside to kill them for sport.

   Ate way too much food, drank too much wine and watched TV the rest of the day. I'm feelin' SUPER American right now

   Whatsapp: Last seen at Facebook

   Some parents are so benevolent that put their lives in danger for their children - again for themselves actually- some other's

   Unless you're Roy bloody Rogers, or a Texas oil tycoon, I don't want to see anyone in a GaDern bolo tie

   He said: "I have this certain animal magnatism about me." She said: "Yes, you do tend to attract animals."

   What's with those lower urinals? Are they for small boys or large men?

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   I never understand why kids just start crying out of the blue. What’s up? You remember you can’t wipe your ass? Or mad you can’t eat steak?

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

   No, for the last time, I do not want to build a snowman.