Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   went out on a Friday and woke up one Monday in Bratislava chained and naked on a bench in the lap of an unknown man named Miroslav

   Thre are two types of people who annoy me here on Facebook; (1) Ugly people who constantly p0st pics captioning about how beautiful they are. (2) Beautiful guilty of the same crime.

   Why do people always pick their noses when they're at a stop light when everyone can see them.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   I never knew the IRS had a swat team.

   After a good night of sleep, my fave word to wake up to in the morning is.........."TAMALES!"

   fyi: The cure for food poisoning is NOT Taco Bell.

   When dropping off prescriptions for two people with the same name...make sure the dates of birth are correct. Apparently my 12 year old is on Blood Presure meds now...

   Funny how when I see someone from High School I suddenly hve a great job and am trying to stick a key in a car I in the parking lot that I could never afford!

   Damn, it's so hot outside, i'm jealous.

   After spending the night with a stripper named KARMA last night, the phrase "Karma is coming for you" took on a whole new meaning!

   "who are you?" --- "Im fine!"

   I never realized how strong I was...until being strong is the only choice I have left ♡

   But what if a Liverpool fan actually wants to walk alone so that he can fart in privacy?

   #5, #22, #23, #29, & #6 I know they're just jersey #'s but they really do mean so much more t o me right now!

   I love you, flushable baby wipes.

   The American Quarter Horse has unique features that make it specially suited for a variety of tasks. Ya, Quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds. Coincidence ?

   I think I might have a natural immunity to Ebola. I get feverish, diarrhea and vomiting symptoms most Sunday mornings....

   I really wish some people would do the ice bucket challenge with petrol.... As they where smoking

   Somedays, I'm just a walkin', talkin' meat bag full of awesome.