Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   Looks like Seattle can't win with only 11 players. They need a 12th man

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My p3 Nis is now 235 feet long.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   Now that my daughter's almost a toddler, when can I expect her baby toes to fall off and be replaced by adult ones?

   Check out a new church for the first time for Easter Sunday. When the pastor said, "would all the first time visitors please stand up", The whole church stood up with me! (Ö_Ö)

   If everybody's working for the weekend that means someone has been working for the week and they need to be stopped.

   WOW: term used by women when they are amazed that one person can be so stupid!!!

   Your about as relevant as a Facebook poke

   yesterday my five year old Hawaiian son used the word taint and I asked him where he heard that word and he replied "Walmart"

   I am now signing up for motivational speaker training...I heard the side benefits are great.

   "I don't wanna go there, We should never go there". - Fat people singing about the gym.

   I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.

   There should be support groups for women that are nervous abouth their next Bra purchase.

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious

   It's Monday morning sweetie so do me a favor and shut your love hole. No, not that one...the one that makes words.

   Cheers to Friday & the weekend, but most of all thanks to good weather & friends who will get together!!!

   I like my women like I like my coffee. A little bit gross and I wouldn't recommend them to my friend for fear of judgement.

   We are all turds in the punch bowl of life.