Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, don't text while being raptured.

   Why cant I find Stephen Hawkings new techno album 'heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark' on Itunes?????

   At the risk of being unfollowed, I expelled enough gas at Starbucks today to fill a Trenta.

   Charlie Sheen gives advice: Stay off the crack, unless you can manage it socially. I can manage it fine, it;'s when I start using is I have trouble

   ♫Highway to the Friend Zone....Ride into the Friend Zone♫

   oh mr bean burrito, why do you hate me so?

   Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

   I feel the need to comment on the amount of energy we are expending on attempting to organize and control chaos. Life is fluid, my friends. The tighter you try to squeeze it, the more of it that escapes your between your fingers. Relax. Let t

   - When no one believes you even if everything you say is the truth, hurt a little, cry a little and let the choice be theirs.

   Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

   May 21, 2011 - The "A-crap-alypse".

   in a relationship with himself, and I think he's cheating on me... FINALLY!!!

   It seems like nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything is different. I must have blacked out again.

   Wow!  That's wasn't a fart... I think I just backfired! 

   Loves deleting my facebook so I can post on my facebook page that I deleted it!

   It takes two to tango and a London mob to tangle

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   We cannot be a country that listens to science. Science does not make sense at all.

   Before I get drunk, I wanna wish everyone a happy father's day.