Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I see a "Baby On Board" sign in a car window I wonder why in the hell the baby isn't in a car seat? Isn't a car seat safer than strapping your baby on a board and do you really want to advertise your lack of parenting skills?

   aks: Does anyone elses poop turn green after eating Fruit Loops?

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos.

   ♩♩ ♬ Deck the hall with Balls of Holly now has a whole new meaning since gender changes are possible!! ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Faaaaalaaaalaaa laaa laa laa ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Tim

   Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder.

   Spare the rod, spoil the child? Um, no thanks. That sounds gross. How about I just keep using my rod to spoil these lovely ladies? (^^,)

   customers get on my nerves, if you gotta wait on a line wait !...."open up another register" If you at a red light you don't tell the police to open up another red light do you? wait you turn!

   If I love you only for your looks rather than for your soul, then you better be worried because I will dump your ass like yesterday’s mashed potatoes the next chance I get to hook up with someone cuter than you.

   D trumph will be President. And then Kanye West and 1st lady Kim. And then beiber. That'll be the fate of your country, you earned it

   Well on a positive note, Charlie Sheen.

   I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig.

   I can't seem to find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day. choose wisely.

   The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.

   walking sideways and thinking..... I should have had a V8

   Oh Facebook! you go through more Design Changes than Women do wid clothes!!

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   dyslexics UNTIE!

   Are rectal thermometers filled with Freddie Mercury?

   I bet Obama is mad he had to put that suit back on!