Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They told me to set my clock back Saturday night... Well I set mine back till when I was 27... Come Sunday morning after partying all night... I found out that it didn't work out so well...

   Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".

   I don't think there is anything funny about hitting your funnybone...

   Ive been looking for my phone for over 3 hours. I cant find it nowhere! This happened ever since I downloaded this new app from Android called "HIDE AND SEEK".

   Dear God, When I was young I said always wanted to be a hip-hop rapper...Not a Christmas gift wrapper...in a mall...on a rainy Wednesday. FML

   I feel like Mr. Rogers when I wear a sweater...just not as sexy.

   I walked into Kwik Trip to pay for the gas & get a soda. It said, "Brat Day $1.50" in big letters!! This explains so much of the kids' behavior!!

   there are many peoples in front of pc for fb than doing their assignments today. it is a fact..trust me!

   I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

   a jukebox hero with stars in his eyes

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   Never apologised for what you feel it's like saying sorrry 4 being real!

   One of the Chilean miner's wives is taking him on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector. The first question is... "Apart from the 32 she knows about have you had sexual contact with anyone else in the past 3 months !

   saying, i'm not moody, just don't want to talk to you every wed and fri..

   Does the ebonics alphabet contain the letter "D"? All I hear is, "My mom an' Dat." "I'm ok, I'm goot." "I like Chevy but I also like Fort."

   Every time at Subway they make you a bad sandwich, shove it in their mouth.

   Donald Trump public ally supports Bill O'Reilly. In other news, dozens of female White House staff change their mind about speaking out against sexual harassment. Kellyanne silently weeps while tiny fingers rub her thigh.

   Trump: I need to be on the power high when it comes to the business council. You guys can't quit on me! I'm quitting you by ending the council permanently. That'll show you to question my rac.ism!

   Ya! Trump says one thing will work when it comes to N. Korea. Bomb the deal out of them. I support that!

   The only reason Trump be me president is because your dumb a$$ didn't go vote so shut up!