Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend just broke up with his Japanese girlfriend. I told him, don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea...

   Jesus is just a guy who mows my lawn

   Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us

   ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠

   Mike Vick thought he was playing the Washington Pitbulls cause he killed them!!

   ur mama is so poor she runs after a garbage truck with shopping list

   Bottle of lotion $ 2.59, Box of Kleenex $3.19 Roll of pictures taken of random girls at the beach $6.50 Having your wife walk in and see it is not pictures of her , PRICELESS

   How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

   Reached that age where everything I think happened 2-3 years ago really happened in 2003.

   jumping out the window, who's with me?

   tiger woods favorite song is "Black and Yellow" cause he is half black and asian

   Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

   my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, Nick, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something..

   I have a dilemma, I follow the golden rule don't trust a girl who says she only has a friend (Biz Markie), but what do I do when she has 671 facebook friends?

   Why do men chose to mess with a lot of mediocre women when they can have ONE great one? I guess Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) excite them.

   I got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

   you know its time to get a girlfriend when you start looking for socks behind the dryer..

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   Sometimes when I see ugly people at the gym I think, "What's the point? You can't workout the face."

   "Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster