Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dudes block their girl on twitter thinking she can't see his tweets. That profile with 3 tweets that just followed you, guess who that is.

   I want to do a post about a pirate dating site called e-Yarrrmony,,, but the process is too arrrduous

   I know someone, who knows someone else, who just happens to know someone. . .

   I'm going to cover my entire body in bacon so I can become more desirable.

   Why do blacks only get February but every month is Truck Month??

   Tough guys who were their sunglasses on the back of heir heads are just covering up their gay eyes that check out other guys dongs behind them.

   Science will never impress me till I can pay a hooker by swiping my credit card down her ass.

   Garbage men are the least respected civil servants. They work just as hard as firemen and cops, but no one ever calls them heroes. Probably because they smell like used tampons and old Chinese food.

   I am confused, Did the murder/ cheater/ substance abuser Ray Lewis retire or not cuz they are sure showing him a lot on tv right now..

   Sitting on a cornflake waiting for the van to come.

   not hiding in the closet eating cupcakes....nom..nom nom

   Every Saturday night I go to the same casino, use the same machine, use the same numbers and it spits out loads of cash. You'd think they would call it something cooler than "ATM".

   I'm in the dog house.... so I guess doggie style it is....

   Someone just gave me half of a peace sign. Weird.

   Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.

   [creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink

   I’m a go getter And right now I’m a go getter nap

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   Another Playboy model has come out, saying she had an affair with Trump, 2 years into his marriage with Melania. Trump, you horny old goat, you!

   With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"