Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't like my tweets then don't follow me. And if you don't like losing then don't follow Lakers.

   _______ _. _____ died June 7, 2011 at the age of __. He was the _______ of ___ Libs. (RIP Leonard B. Stern)

   Sometimes I fight with my Bf just for the make up sex..

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA

   If you make a left turn on backstabbing lane, cut through friendship trust terrace, and hang another left on weasel blvd. You'll find Greg Zafiris

   Well aren't you just a waste of 2 billion years of evolution?

   a wife is like the suits of a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to beat them when they drive you nuts, and a spade to bury them when their dead

   staring at you...yes, you....the one reading this status....yeahh..hey there mistah mistah. ^-^

   98 MORE SHOPPING DAYS UNTILL CHRISTMAS....YUK!

   reading chicken soup for the chicken's soul

   Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

   ^ Fah-Q! v Fah-Q! and > Fah-Q! Whose next?

   Bound-up. Can't drop a deuce. Damn you cheese.....

   You need to be slaves first before you can get your own History month.

   I once had a dream I was eating the world's worst tasing chocolate pudding...I woke up with a spoon in my ass.

   I sneezed pretty bad, mid-dump, and ended up 6 minutes in the future.

   The worst part about having a teenager is every time I lose my weed, I freak out and wonder if my son took it.

   When I was a kid I was really scared of the dark. Two of them mugged me and stole

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   And nobody finds it curious that UFOs only land in the USA? Thats where all the idiots that creat them live.