Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if history repeats itself then she guesses she won't be rich and famous in her next life!

   Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

   ...the monkey's out of the bottle, man.

   And the Hedonist of the Year award goes Charlie Harper, who couldn't be with us tonight. Accepting the award on his behalf is Charlie Sheen. Oh, wait ... what's the difference? =p

   been searching and searching all her life, and STILL can't find the yellow brick road!

   Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull.

   Where does steel wool come from?

   I expect 2011 AMA performances will include Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and supergroup N*KOTBSB 182 Degrees...

   I am not afraid of heights... I am afraid of widths.

   Zuckerberg only won Time's Person of the Year because he defaulted the ballots to vote for him & nobody could figure out how to change them.

   The next pay it forward status I see I'm going to respond Hopefully we barely know each other and they live really really far away. Take that stranger. I want cookies delivered to my door.

   -2-Face contact with this so called "Future-me" or it could have serious affects on the way of life as I know it now... "I knew I would own a Delorean one day... HIGH FIVE

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   A study has shown that if you put lard on your head every day you will grradually grow taller. Crisco does not have the same effect because it's shortening.

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   To end the Corvid how about we give those who don't really need $600 extra per week to go on vacation with so they stay home.

   Why am I sleeping on the couch? well lets put it this way she caught me talking on the phone last night and it was not Jake from State farm

   Maybe the Pandemic Shutdown of 2020 was organized by Keyser Soze

   Marriage tip #12: Remember to always leave a healthy amount of cups and trash laying around your house. That way your wife always has something to clean up. A busy wife is a happy wife.

   I won't be celebrating Halloween today. You know... where you dress up, pretend to be someone you're not, sing creepy songs about drinking blood, and invite a Spirit to meet you in the haunted house. Sounds too much like church to me.