Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone.

   Put your index fingers together and keep your eyes on your left finger while slowly moving your hands apart. While still looking at your left finger, touch your nose with your right finger. Now stop doing that.

   I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.

   Uh, rah rah baseball people. Football season's begun. More You can stop now. Thanks.

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   I had 5 minutes to spare this morning so I figured women out.

   There are people who've been through hell and are trying to entertain you ungrateful urinary tract infections for free. Be kind.

   A couples finances in a relationship. Woman: the money I make is my money.The money he makes is our money.

   My weight doubles my SAT score.

   Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.

   Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

   Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam. Siri: Step over the dog.

   me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

   Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin

   I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.

   [at the mall with my husband] Me singing softly: She's just a girl and she's on fire.. Hubby: *shoots dirty look* Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she's got her head in the clouds and- Hubby: Shhh! Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

   If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.

   Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.