Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At show-and-tell, it's the kid with the Weebles who gets the raves. You hide your Perry Como album in the desk and tell Mrs. Yee you forgot.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer.

   Hate it when the kids can't find their shoes. It really cuts into our time working together to find mommy's keys...and phone...and shoes.

   To this day I can't drink a third cup of coffee without thinking of Jessie Spano and the caffeine pill damage of 1990.

   it just me or are there a whole lot of folks who get that stupid prompt to download the latest apple itunes and quicktime update 5 times a week??

   My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?

   I'll be dressed up tonight as a dad who sends his kids house to house to beg for handouts while eating their candy in the street like a hobo zombie.

   Who has clocks they have to change anymore?

   Instead of saying "for all intents & purposes" you should say "for all incense & porpoises" just for the fun of it.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.

   voting this year is like picking out what STD do you want!!!!!!! you know is going to burn!

   ..... Hey .... Who could've predicted that the rise of "Reality Television" would lead to this exact moment in History?

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   I'd like your post or photo but you did and now I think you're an idiot...

   Not to be outdone by the new "Coca Cola Selfie Bottle", CHARMIN is announcing their new "We're on a Selfie Roll!" bathroom tissue product. Now you can turn those boring old bathroom selfies into "Action Selfies"!

   "I don't celebrate thanksgiving because it's a story of murder....." well, if this is murder, it sure is delicious......please pass the yams.....