Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why, when you suddenly start coughing your head off, do people say "Are you alright?" Hell no I'm not alright! If I was, I wouldn't be coughing like this. Duh.

   He had no known links to t errorist organisations? Just being a m ulslim is a known link to t errorism.

   With all of trump's space force talk. Will he soon refer him self as the new rocket man?

   Just a reminder: it reads WE THE PEOPLE. We’re all in this together as HUMANS. Doesn’t mean we own this planet as a religion or race.

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   I need to get my life together. I spilled Life cereal all over the counter!

   I just launched a new fragrance ! - a great way to announce a fart

   I won't tell you how long I believed girls peed out of their butts, but it was well past the age where it was considered normal.

   Nobody's perfect ..... My name is nobody

   Just got a new smart phone...but it's RG3 speed is kinda disappointing -It wouldn't stay in my pocket,and now it runs really slow...

   I love the fact that she likes reverse cowgirl cuz I cant stand her face.

   Today's 2nd big idea: Low fructose corn syrup.

   sometimes you have to delete your fb so you don't get caught

   Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?

   I ate a cigarette last night cause I thought it was a fry.

   Why do some parents always talk about how much they love their kids but the kids live 500 miles away with the other parent?

   Honey you used so much oil, the US wants to invade your plate!

   I am about to get some action guys. The only thing she is wearing right now is her hair, her heels and oh wait wtf and a tampon?!?

   all these bars are offering a drink special called "hurricane sandy" don't fall for it though it's just a watered down Manhattan...

   Hate mondays, annoy tuesdays, ignore wednesdays, smile thursdays, love fridays, enjoy saturdays, damn sundays.