Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1.You're reading my status. 2.You wanna keep reading. 4. You didn't notice I skipped 3. 5. You're checking. 6. You're smiling.

   Casey Anthony not guilty, Troy Davis being executed...Everybody Hates Chris but Everybody Love Raymond..smh..who says it ain't bout color ?

   Steve Jobs tombstone: iDied

   wearing more make up than a clown

   ;•į <~~ one eye drunk texting face!

   All I can see is : Kenyans are really Good with Marathon.

   now with Hostess going out of business, we wont have any twinkies to eat when the zombie apocalypse happens

   To my wonderful niece; when you tell people I am the "funny uncle" could you please make sure you mention that you mean "ha ha" funny and not "(⊙_⊙)" funny...people are starting to give me the stink eye. :-/

   I asked Janet if she would hand me a cold bottle of water from the frig. she look and said the only thing cold is the Bud. That's ok I said same thing...

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it pink it's a girl? Blue it's a psycho?

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking.

   I cried during that sad emotional part of Titanic, when all the crunchy lobsters drowned, what a great supper they would have made!!

   Earlier today I looked at the car next to me, and I saw the driver texting while driving. How dangerous! I was so shocked I almost dropped my guitar.

   Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood

   Am I gonna have to be the one that asks? Really? Cause I'm not seeing how we're supposed to buy into Donkey having babies with the Dragon from Shrek

   Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.

   ♫ ♫ I don't know what to do. I don't now WHAT to DO. High ho the dairy ho....I think I'll just drink some wine ♪ ♪

   Bow Wow been 14 for 20 years

   Show me a woman who doesn't gossip and I will show you a blind man.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?