Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   I just wrote a note to my utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE!

   I would like the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a bottle of Jack Daniels as a backup plan.

   If I keep procrastinating like this, I'm going to end up back in yesterday.

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   I can't stand it if I'm excluded from an activity even if I have no intention of going and don't like those who are.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want."

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   Dear Santa, I was framed.

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer... oh wait, he does.

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   Thank you Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!!!

   I don't hate anyone like I hate the person who waits for me outside the bathroom to finish.

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.