Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5608 of 6453

jus submitted my mo ped for a pimp my ride episode..tassles on my handlebars would be AWESOME
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02-21-2012 11:59
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feeling very hot and sweaty right now. Who wants to become my fan?
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02-27-2012 02:41 by Billygoat
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wonders if famous comedians ever steal my original funny thoughts....aaaaahhhhhhhh.. at least pay me
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02-28-2012 08:13
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It would be much appreciated if "emotionally damaged" was a relationship status, it would save me SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY!
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03-03-2012 21:36
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Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...
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10-25-2011 15:55 by @clarkysj
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thinks its rather strange that all the parents he's seen trick or treating with their children tonight have all been lard a$$es.... Who SERIOUSLY wants the candy here??!
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10-31-2011 16:51
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I think the jury will acquit Dr. Murray, but instead blame his plastic surgeons!
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11-07-2011 14:16
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There is just never enough Cashiers at Walmart! The only time there's enough cashier at Walmart is in the morning at 8am, when no is really thinking about shopping.
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12-23-2011 15:45
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Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely sane person.
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12-25-2011 05:25
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I want to see if I can make it 2 full days before Santa puts me back on the "bad boys" list again this year, where I belong. So I'm going to wait til tomorrow before I go back to my normal status updates.
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12-27-2011 11:23 by Brett S
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When love wants to speak, reason must shut the hell up.
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12-31-2011 11:20
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Today My NASDAQ of friend reports: A loss of 3 friends, thats down from last week. So I need funnier jokes ppl!
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06-01-2012 12:54 by Jitney
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"Sorry, you're not my type." "WELL YOU'RE NOT MY SPECIES."
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06-04-2012 14:31
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I just called Chaz Bono "lady" now I'm sitting back and watching the fire works

If people are judged by the company they keep, then I'm in trouble. I've been hanging around with myself way too much.
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06-18-2012 14:29
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Let's stop the hate and spread the love. Or STD's, as my doctor says they are 'technically' named.
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06-18-2012 14:53
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If you have lice, then you have a purpose
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06-20-2012 09:16
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My favorite reality show is that one with all the fights at restaurants or bars.

what looks good on a mother in law? a doberman.
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07-04-2012 08:21
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It's very dangerous to tweet and drive; you may end up with TYPOS!
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07-10-2012 14:09 by Czovczov
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