Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being burried alive...please help

   Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for @ssholes.

   Talking Sh1t is harder now with Google out there.

   ...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   "If my life had a face.............I would PUNCH it!!"-Greg Thomas

   definitely prefers to be the gobblee than the gobbler... I'm stuffed.

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   not stalkig you but thinks you look really nice in that shirt

   Dosnt Suffer From Insanity X Enjoy Every Minute Of It :))

   Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This problem has finally been solved thanks to British scientists. In a related story, German scientist are researching how much wood could a wood chuck chuck.

   Dyson has a line of fans to add to their line of vacuums. Dysonnow proudly makes products that sucks and blows.

   I thought the show was called "Blue's Clues", not "Weird White Dude With A Bowl Cut Hogging Up The TV".

   Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.

   "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery or use Facebook while under the influence of medication"

   "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt

   It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they take things literally

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?

   From what I've read, Jesus never had a problem with gay people. He also never wore pants.

   Donald Trump in 2008: "Well, I know Hillary Clinton and she'd make a good president or good vice president." Then why does Trump support corrupt people?