Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Thanking God the whole Justin Bieber writing an autobiography thing was just a rumor.. That would have been the shortest autobiography ever... All 16 pages of it... 18 if you count the index and contents..

   "Real men actually spend time away from their computers." Yeah... that's because they're avoiding you.

   The saxophone still hasn't been brought to justice for everything it did in the 1980s.

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.

   Ask the married guys is it worth the fn youve gotten for the fn your getting

   I really enjoy that new real-life TV show about the guy who spends his whole day surfing the internet at work while trying to look busy in front of his boss. Oh wait, that's just my average day.

   loves how Christmas movies capture the holidays in a way everyone typically experiences. In two hours: greedy men become charitable; enemies settle their differences; women fall in love with the unattractive nerd; and an angel get its wings.

   The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

   my ship finally sailed in, but I was standing at the train station :/

   I said give me head not headache.

   I only wish google could answer things like "what's the name of the lady seated next to me"

   My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...

   I'm as happy as a dog with two d*cks

   We all end up as stories to be told long after we are gone. Some boring, some tragic, some exciting.

   There's no better way to judge potential actors than people on their first date on match. Com

   The World Cup needs a shot of grape Kool-Aid.

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please