Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walked into Walmart and met a woman who had one callus on her toe. Does that make her a unicorn? Imagine that You can see unicorns at Walmart

   I'd pay to watch certain people burn alive in some mega corporate sponsored stadium event.

   My favourite Christmas song is the one about baby Jesus passing gas. Forgot what it's called but the main chorus is "Do you hear what I hear?"

   WAITER: Did we decide? MY DATE: Yes, I'd like the Sirloin. Medium rare. ME: And I'd like the Remix to Ignition. Hot and fresh out the kitchen.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm the only guy wearing a thong with Jesus' face on the crotch.

   if wine is the blood of christ, why make up a song asking fro jesus to take the wheel?....u just asked for a drunk driver

   If you believe a womans place is in the kitchen you must have just finished having sëx and that þìtçh is making your sammich.

   Kris Kross will make you... Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you ... Jump Jump. The Mac Daddy will make you.... OD in your living room.

   So far the only things drained from the swamp have been truth, dignity and legislative ability. Cool hats though.

   It's all fun and games. . . Until Santa checks the naughty list.

   @XplodingUnicorn If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

   Roger Ailes (1940-2017) is survived by Satan, Cerberus and Bill O'Reilly.

   I just saw a Ritz Crackers commercial with some frootcake putting on lipstick, then going over his blowboy's house for huggy time. The world is ending.

   So high, God told me to get off his roof.

   HAPPY CHILDRENS DAY :)

   n't it a coincidence that KFC came out with the Double Down Chicken Sandwich just days before 4/20? Come on, a stoner def came up with that! Two pieces of fried chicken, bacon, and cheese. Def stoner food.

   my girl said she needed some space, so I shipped her off to NASA

   I just paid $200 to join the National Believers in Reincarnation Club. It cost alot but oh well,you only live once.

   sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poo at people--like you!

   Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.