Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took my ex out last night, it only took one punch! :)

   Sean Spicer told me that my poor eating habits and lack of exercise only play a limited role in my weight gain.

   I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.

   Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....

   Hey Lorenzo, go home you are borin.

   Can you change the ugly foot there on the right > with the fungus on it from adchoice> > > >

   Life is weird. First you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again.

   I will just take one bong hit with breakfast, chill out for a while, then get some things done. Aaaand I'm not getting off of the couch today.

   Funny how the first 5 years I did it, my biggest fear was someone walking in on me doing it.. and now in the last 5 years I wouldn't bother doing it unless someone was watching me.

   You gotta walk the walk to type the type.

   I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

   i'll be live tweeting my colonoscopy today against the advice of my doctor and these nurses. And ok, here we go,,, OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH

   "Why can't more people be just like you?" I wisper into the bun of giant meatball sub.

   Just got back from a third world country - I got my box full of Seattle Seahawks 49th Superbowl champions shirt suckers...

   WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into

   NASCAR went with Toyota as a pace car...wanted them to see how it felt to be out front!

   “Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop” to become a dev!l . Restraining order is on the way too.

   My wife says she's not cumin home because she doesn't have thyme for my spice puns any more. I mustard upset her.

   I hate it when your singing along with a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   Why swallow ur pride ,when you can make someone swallow their teeth