Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   I guess Einstein was on Acid when he derived E=mc²

   Powerless to know the truth... Blinded by what I wanted to see... Ashamed that I let you in... Painful with how I'm left feeling... Devastated as I knew better...

   I don't know what makes my friend more a loser the fact that I found a Rihanna's cd in his car or the fact that he always likes his own facebook status.

   the life of the party, even if I dont attend

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   has just killed thier relationship asking "is it in?"

   the 93% of people who will NOT re-post this as my status (all chain-status updates)

   Facebook: We're all here because we're not all there

   I am the old guy who cut you off, took your parking spot, glared at you in the mall, called the cops on your party last night...and married your Grandma

   i like my suits like I like my women..... double breasted

   would like to partake in the consumption of multiple alcoholic beverages this evening

   To all my barbies out there who date Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, you'll be better off in life. Get that money!

   currently the guiness world record holder for the worlds tallest midget....

   being a mother is like Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave:S

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   and I talk to myself on my Facebook wall... I'M AWESOME....I'M AWESOME

   going to jail....because I just assaulted that plate of nachos!

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.