Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   A Wednesday without rain is a Dry Hump Day.

   Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.

   "If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   .... Do you think ISIS cares about Pathetic Hashtags, Prayers or ... Candles? Wake up Earth!! They care not about you ....

   I'm old enough now to realize the only pork in "Pork and Beans" was an inedible piece of bacon fat

   I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?