Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don't care about being healthy and smelling clean."

   A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.

   .. To make sure they will arrive on time, I'm mailing my Christmas cards now.

   I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

   If you can't afford to tip your food delivery drivers working in the pandemic maybe you should try to save some money by eating at home.

   Does anyone know if we have any wiggle room when it comes to the 6ft distances rule?

   Someone told me that they had a little seizure and I had to resist saying pizza, pizza.

   I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"