doc noland Funny Status Messages
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Show me on this Elmo doll where the bad man touched you...
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Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.
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Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.
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Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose
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I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?
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Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.
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This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense
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You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
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I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.
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I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.
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My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.
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My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.
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BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.
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I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.
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I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.
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i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice
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The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
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RIP Khaddafi. Also, RIP Qaddafi. And let us not forget: RIP Ghaddafi. And just to be safe, RIP Caddaphee.
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I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes
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If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.
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