huck Funny Status Messages

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   My exercise tape is just various clips of me driving past the gym.

   I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   "Auld Lang Syne" is too good to save for New Year's — I like to pump that jam in the middle of summer, with the top down

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.