doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   The crap I can say with a perfectly straight face is illegal in 48 states. The other two just haven't met me yet.

   In bed, when a girl says, "I'm Old Fashioned," she means, "I'm from a time when people didn't want to have sex with you."

   Stuttering's cool if you think of it as a drumroll for your sentence!

   Wait a second! Alan Thicke's sone sings that hit R&B song? But I thought Kirk Cameron was a televangelist?

   Hey girls, Please stop stabbing each other in the back. You're giving real women a bad name.

   This country wasn't built on rock and roll, Ford trucks, or even good old hard work, this country was built on cheeseburgers.

   I've decided the best way to proceed in life from here on out is by walking around rubbing my n!pples and talking in the Fat B@st@rd voice.

   just saw a beautiful pregnant woman on crutches. He immediately has a deeply ingrained lifetime fetish.

   I got a new phone Friday, it has Texas Hold 'em installed and OH MY FREAKING GOSH IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?????

   got the best Halloween costume for his P@nis: Tube Sock Shakur.

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat, drunk, stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.

   I hope he buys you flour, I hope he greases your pan.

   So the pope is aborting his papacy before it reaches full term?

   I know I really like someone when I can listen to them talk about pooping and not get grossed out. Apparently, I don't like this girl.

   I can't decide if this thick orange sky color over New York is beautiful or too close to a chemical attack of some sort.

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   Luckily for me, my future cancer will go along quite nicely with my current personality.