Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Advise of the day: Stop having relationship problems with someone that you’re not in a relationship with.

   No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.

   When she’s looking for a quick fling and you have a trebuchet in your back yard.

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Him: The doctor says if I don’t receive nudes I’ll die! Her: Damn, that’s crazy.

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   Ripping the little panties off a Reese’s is the most erotic thing you can do in your 50’s.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   Mike, Echo, Oscar, Whiskey… how do you copy? Over

   I have felt guilty for no reason since I was like 8 years old.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   Mike Hunt is bald

   When you unplug all the noisy beeping machines at the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

   Really miss the days when the biggest scandal was that Trump drank water with two hands and ate chicken with a fork.

   Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day.