Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

   There is sex without love, and there is love without sex. Then there is you, without both.

   “All girls are the same.” Yeah, none of them want you.

   Gun owners: when they hear someone breaking in at 2:00am.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   My dad fully dressed all day. My dad when one of my friends come over ~ (in his underwear)

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.

   “I believe everything they say.” They’ve been wrong about literally everything so far. “I still believe everything they say.”

   There is no plan to eliminate student debt. There is a plan to transfer that debt to those that don’t owe it.

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. Mahatma Gandhi

   Listening to your friend talk about how she’s working it out with her boyfriend after you already blocked him, keyed his car and took his cat to the pound.

   When you give tourists wrong directions as a prank and then see them a week later on television gone missing.

   Mike Hunt is itchy

   The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?

   Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”

   When someone gets loud with you and you’re considering unleashing every single one of your inner demons.

   Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off. Happy 4th of July!

   Pros and cons of making kids. Pros: making, Cons: kids

   A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I told him that I would take a stab at it.