Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice try speed bumps, it's a rental.

   SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

   one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours

   Facebook: the only book teens read these days.

   My annoying neighbors challenged me to a water fight, so i'm posting this status while waiting for the kettle to boil..

   A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   Bought a CD of ice cream van music.Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces.”

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.