doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Sex with me is like Sex with an optometrist: better like this, or better like this, How about this, or like this. Better here or here.

   I woke up humping the wall of my pillow fort, in case you were wondering how my s@x life is going.

   On arrrr Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye should take a moment to remember being in Davy's grip during the big rat scurvy epidemic.

   Just got freaky with a Mannequin hand and a electric razor taped to a golf club shaft.

   i get called "insane" at least four times a day by both real and imaginary people.

   Ladies, Take note of the plot of Sleeping Beauty: My sexual advances on you while you sleep, I'm a keeper... still single

   Entering 2013 the same way I entered this world! Naked crying, and alone. (Adoption Joke gone way wrong)

   knows that hangovers are Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night.

   ESPN just reported that their kicker just tried to hang himself, luckly he could not even kick the chair out from under himself.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   "This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."

   According to D!ck Clark this new year's eve is going to be the "besjtkdksnsm newsjsjsoa evesjdddb."

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.

   Nothing like a sentence that goes nowhere.

   It doesnt matter if I die a heros or natural death, my friends and relatives at my funeral will ask "so how much bloody alcohol was it?"

   In this lifetime you either win the Triple Crown or you get tendinitis. You can't have both.

   So lately I've started describing myself as OPPOP. That's the opposite of popular and no, you may not use that.

   I bet one of these powerful Olympic women could sit on my face & suck out my fillings with one Kegel....Unnhmmm Hope Solo.

   Perpetually looking for things I misplaced.