Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   You’re living proof that it’s possible to live without a brain.

   You’re lying if you say you’ve never let a game controller vibrate on your crotch.

   Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.

   We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.

   Who let: da dog out

   If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.

   Daylight savings time? Only an idiot would cut two inches off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom and believe he now has a longer blanket.

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up”; obviously never worked for corporate media.

   If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.

   Maybe your final stage of healing is telling people to f*!k off.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   I’m sorry that your terrible behavior caused me to act out of character. You should work on that.

   If we get invaded by space aliens, I’m immediately defecting to the alien side, sorry.

   Just because you have a beard doesn’t mean you’re a man, vaginas can grow hair too.

   Male bees die right after mating. So, their whole life is… Honey, Nut, Cheerio.

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

   If dogs ever take over the world and they chose a king, I hope they don't just go by size; because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.