Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   Crushed feelings emergency kit: Contains one tiny violin, one stick remover (also works for corn cobs), one box of tissues, one pacifier, cookies & milk, how to scroll past things you don’t like instruction tutorial, and a sense of humor.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   So, the legend goes… that the “M” from MTV, used to stand for music.

   The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions.

   Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   The man who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of someone to blame it on.

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.

   I always keep pepper spray on me in case someone attacks or tries to make small talk.

   Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?

   No matter how hard you work, your boss will always arrive while you are taking a break.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   The symbol & looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.

   What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

   If it involves fireworks, BBQ, and freedom, count me in. Have a Yankee Doodle day.