Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"

   everybody always says, "say no to drugs," but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

   When you're a fast texter, two minutes is a long time to wait for a reply....

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   Don't break anyone's heart , they have only one.... Break their bones , they have 206 of them

   I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.

   Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you

   just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!

   Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license...

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   , I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."

   wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.

   -- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??"

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.