doc noland Funny Status Messages

   Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   Found a gray nose hair. Transformation to Gandalf: 1% complete.

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   'Tis the season to trick myself into thinking going this long without getting laid was actually my New Year's resolution...still single

   Erectile dysfunction starts with small talk.

   Ashley Madison is my favorite cheating website named after the two most spoiled girls in every 4th grade class.

   its sad when fat girls lose weight only to discover they dont have a pretty face.

   Hail Mary, full of grace, put Notre Dame in second place.

   John Gruden took my 4th grade picture to his Great Clips stylist.

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   I've wiped my bottom 47 times already. It's like there's someone back there with a paintbrush trying to p!ss me off.

   It takes real courage to suck another man's c@ck. And any man who can do it can dern well defend the nation I love.

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.

   Yes I feel great this morning. Thank you wine netti pot.

   Ranch dressing is too a pizza topping! Open your mind-hole and stop hating on deliciousness.

   The wind just blew a plactic bag away from me at this table and down the sidewalk. "That one's on you, Mother Earth."

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.