Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.

   You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Calm down museum man. I think it’s obvious I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   If a bag is not resealable, it contains one serving.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   I panic at a lot of other places besides the disco.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.

   At this point, conspiracy theories might as well be called spoiler alerts.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

   Date a cat owner. They love something that doesn’t even like them back.

   Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆

   My favorite color is freedom, so light up the sky like it’s the 4th of July.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   there anything I can destroy or eat in here? No? Well, you’re lucky to have me. ~ The Cat