Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try to avoid nice people so they can stay that way.

   Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

   My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...

   I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: "WOW I cant believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!"...

   Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   I remember when a wasted weekend had absolutely nothing to do with being unproductive.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   I have mixed drinks about feelings...

   "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate."

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   It should really be called 'teethpaste'

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   I wish the Dollar Store would sell gas...

   Anyway you can take down the "never on schedule, but always on time." comment

   I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

   Check this one out.........1

   YOU LOOK LIKE I NEED ANOTHER DRINK....

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?