Funny Status Messages

   GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.

   Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

   I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   Women say they want security. At least that's what the scream when I come near them.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   "Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?

   I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.

   Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease

   Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.

   Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.

   Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.

   It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.