Funny Status Messages

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   .... I remember in May of 2008 when a lady named Hillary Clinton suggested the assassination of Barack Obama but her balls weren't electrocuted by the CIA .... So why should Trumps?

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   I'm ready for summer!

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

   Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻

   Why isn't the Super Bowl on Saturday? My Sunday party plans end about 8pm...

   If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.

   Belichick= Spygate. Brady= Deflategate. Kraft= Tailgate

   'Sometimes, being hurt too many times, doesn't make you stronger, it destroy who you were, who you wanted to be and makes who you are today.''

   Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.