Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.

   I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.

   I like to hit snooze from the back.

   My dog says that dress is grey.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   I'm we had to wait 3 years for a new movie to be released on VHS years old.

   Gf: are you crying right now? Me: *hides Adele's new album* what? hell no. Real men don't cry babe.

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   I would totally be in a relationship right now, but I prefer sex without complications.

   I was just sitting here minding my own business and a cold glass of beer just poured itself into my mouth.

   [wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?

   Who put the oral in immoral?

   If Internet Explorer has the balls to ask you to set it as your default browser, don’t tell me that you don’t have the guts to ask her out.

   I miss the days when the worst thing about Trump was just his hair.

   Clark Kent’s mask is a pair of glasses? And no one recognised him? I wore glasses to the job I was fired from and I was still kicked out.

   People who say marriage is only between a man and a woman underestimate my love for pizza.

   Don't be afraid to love again. Just kidding

   Some couples experience a deep, unconditional love that transcends words and exists as happiness in its purest form. I have that with vodka.