Funny Status Messages
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Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican 
I'm petitioning Crayola to replace the "burnt orange" crayon with "burnt snooki"
There is a great need for sarcasm font
chick, I wouldn't even poke you with Facebook
I havn't seen it rain this hard since Tim Tebow lost to Alabama...
thinking she got sick from reading all those statuses of others being sick, next time please cover your statuses when you write...Thank you
just saw a Prius with that brake problem. It was barreling down the road at speeds exceeding 35 MPH.
"The greatest ironies of life: having the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone after that person walks out of your sight ...."
Crazy how people are more worried about getting Avocados then drugs and trafficing
Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000"
This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.
Friends are like a string of Christmas lights. Some are broke, some are burned out, others just don't work for you, a few aren't the brightest, some even need you to untangle the mess they are in..but most of them shine brightest when your day is darkest.
You'd think a community activist would have a better handle on the economy by now.
Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee and having more than two makes you a bouncer!
3 things I want in a relationship: Eyes that wont cry, lips than wont lie, and love that wont die.
wants a snuggie made out of sham wow material
Change is inevitable... Unless your a vending machine
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
"""remember JESUS LOVES YOU... It's everyone else who thinks you're an idiot."""
Stop Being Mean To Justin Bieber, She Has Feelings Too 