Funny Status Messages

   Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

   Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.

   Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...

   Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

   I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.

   My dog and I have the same schedule: 6 AM: Wake up 7 AM: Eat breakfast 8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn 9 AM: Play 10 AM: Nap

   One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays. I think about that a lot.

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...

   A Match(.com), but for socks.

   It's really ironic that usually when I have to show my driver's license it's to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

   Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

   My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

   HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

   I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.