Funny Status Messages

   The Falcons won the popular Vote!

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."

   Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.

   If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

   Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.

   not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

   i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

   My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

   My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

   I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

   If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.

   I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?