Funny Status Messages

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   Thought I had a Political Update: "But alas"' it ended up being gas

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand that includes a threat of vandalism.

   Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.

   Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.

   Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors.

   NASA reports surging applications for astronaut training programs proves trending interest in space exploration. That or maybe more interest in leaving the planet after this lame election...

   I'm excited for this season's finale of America

   You think you're having a bad day, you could be a Siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and you're the only one with an ass.

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you teeter between, "Woo Hoo, the week is half over" and *tear*, "the week is only half over.

   My biggest pet peeve is that people expect me to remember their pet peeves. Please don't forget that!

   We can drink a drink, but we can’t food a food.

   My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

   Amazon Go let's you walk out of the store without stopping to pay?.. Winona Ryder, , you are a woman about 15 years ahead of your time

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   It always fascinates me when someone gets off a water ride angry because they got wet.