Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Lemonade or orange juice? I'm asking the vodka.

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.

   Pretty bad when your dog farts so loud he has the nerve to turn to see where the noise came from.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   My safe word is "Will you marry me?"

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   I asked her how her day went 4 days ago and she is still telling me about it.

   An orgy but it’s just me eating 5 different bags of chips at once.

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   Candy Crush just sold for $6 billion in case anyone is looking for a reason to join ISIS

   If she doesn't arch her back for you during sex, she is just no that into you bro.

   How do you say "I don't care" in every language known to man?

   Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

   I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.

   How much for the antidepressants? Ma'am those are puppies.

   Sharks and children, both can sense fear and weakness.

   shhhhhh..it's really hard to imagine you're someone else when you talk

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?