Funny Status Messages

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   Know what more people in this world need?????? Exit wounds.

   just seen someone write “10Q” to mean “thank you“ and I wouldn’t even be mad if there was another Noah like flood in the next few minutes.

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   Sometimes I wish I had more middle fingers.

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   "Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".