Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   I'm giving my ex-wife roses for Valentine's day to remind her that she's still a thorn in my side

   Money and traditional infidelity are still the top 2 reasons for divorce but Facebook can't be far behind.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE NOW JOHN'S GIRLFRIEND"

   Horoscope: Yes she got all your texts.

   Find someone you're good at.

   I see you stopped taking your meds. Can I please have them?

   “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagul” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie.

   It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved

   My suicide note will probably just be my phone left unlocked

   Everyone thinks they're incapable of committing murder until they see uncleared time on the microwave.

   I think my cat is a Scientologist.

   People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.

   My kids can worship Satan all they want as long as they don’t listen to nickelback

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

   Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   Taking care of your drunk friends inadvertently prepares you to be a father or mother.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   G.I.R.L on the Internet is 'Guy In Real Life.'

   No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over her face.