Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

   Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

   Day 17 of isolation: still have food and toilet paper. Also, notice a small flock of very large birds are circling overhead, watching over me in a protective manner.

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

   I have all the world's knowledge at the very tips of my fingers where I can find the answers to life's most perplexing questions! and here I am googleing What did Oscar the Grouch do if he overslept on trash day?

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.

   [watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?